RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS = What you expect from others in your personal life when you are diagnosed with cancer

“If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective.” ~Unknown

When you are diagnosed with cancer and you are dealing with the fears, the struggles, the disappointments, and the confusion, you feel pretty vulnerable. A good friend or family member is often the best medicine. But what happens when those friends and family members do not give you what you expect? Relationships change when a crisis happens. Some people gravitate closer. Some disappear from your life.

I believe it is especially difficult when a cancer patient is dealing with years of struggling with cancer. You are not the only one who gets tired of it.

According to psychologists, you teach others how to treat you. That makes sense, but I am still personally working on this. It’s important for me to treat others with the kindness, attention, love, and respect I would want for myself, but I am still a work in progress. I know that healthy expectations include being respected and being treated well. When these expectations are broken, we naturally feel angry, sad, used, and hurt.

What I have learned in my life is that if you expect others to act a certain way, assume anything, or force change on the behavior of other adults who are stuck in their own quagmire, plan on being disappointed. You cannot expect out of others what they are unable to give. You cannot expect others to treat you in the same manner you would treat them, because they own their own emotions, behaviors, and worldview. Just because you would not behave a certain way, does not mean they will not. They alone are responsible for what they do.

I have had people in my life who have unfortunately revealed their true colors to me in this journey of cancer. Rejection is probably one of the most difficult things to come to terms with. When we think we have a relationship with someone, and we care about the person, it is easy to assume the person cares too, and would respond as we would.

When the person turns his back and walks away, that is in the least … very disappointing. This situation has a direct affect on the state of your body and your emotional wellbeing. It hurts. Your attitude shift needs to happen immediately for your own sanity. What you are left with is the control of your own attitude.

This is what you have to do:

• Change your perception of hope … to being open to the reality of the situation.

• “Let it go,” as Ana and Elsa sing in the movie Frozen.

• Live in the present, not in the past or a fantasy world of what could be.

• Look at them not with resentment, but with compassion. They cannot give you what they are incapable of giving.

• Reach out to cancer support groups. It is amazing how strangers can become friends.

• Be grateful for those friends or family members that are able to give you parts of what you need. Some people are good at spending time with you and going to the doctor with you, others cannot handle that and would prefer to take you out for a fun time. Be thankful for that.

• Look around you at the people who make you feel loved, and worthy. Focus your attention on those angels in your life.

• Forget about being validated or approved. It will only make you feel empty when people do not act the way you hoped. Remember, you cannot change others. It is up to them to change.

• Give yourself what you need.

• Walk away from the toxic situation, if it is best for your health. As my friend Addie says, “Not my circus. Not my monkeys.” It’s a Polish idiom.

Live your life in gratitude and love. Wake up each morning and count your blessings.

-- Dr. La Verne