When Life Sucks, I Choose Joy

Good mourning! 2020 has been the year of “non-stop awfulness,” according to Dave Berry, a reporter for the Miami Herald.

But I believe Harriet Beecher Stowe says it best.

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.”

Life sucks when you have cancer and a pandemic. But I have made a decision to choose joy, even though I am such an imperfect human being.

Years ago I learned to turn my despair into hope. I learned to pray for those I love dearly and those I do not. I learned that forgiveness equals peace. I always believed in kindness and doing to others as you would have them do onto you. I believed in loving your neighbor.

But I find that I fall a little short of those goals today. The past few years have forever changed who I am. I have had to change who I choose to be in this world. I am not as good of a human being as I always strived to be. I am more cynical and more discriminating. I do not give my heart out freely anymore. I avoid toxic people like the plague.

As the Pandemic still looms over our heads, I have been faced with the deaths and sickness we have experienced in my family, the increased isolation, the constant irritation of people who live in La-La Land, others who judge, lie, and live in an alternative reality with no consequences … I could go on and on. But surprisingly I have become much stronger, more fearless, more resilient, and more authentic.

I often wondered why some problems (like a cancer diagnosis) or certain toxic people make your life a living hell, and I found the answer. Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is states, “It’s not the problem that causes our suffering: it’s our thinking about the problem.” So it’s our self-talk that needs to change, if we are ever to work our way through chronic pain, fear, rage and despair. You may not have control over what happens to you, but you own your attitude. I have some work to do.

Here is how I have had to deal with life:

• FRUSTRATION

Sometimes life does not feel real. It feels like we are living in the Twilight Zone. It’s okay to have a stinky day. Sometimes you just have to let your frustrations out by exercising, listening to music, venting or journaling – whatever works for you, but does not harm others or yourself.

But when you are ready, facing pain is what gets you through it. Allow yourself to feel the pain and be unhappy. PAUSE and allow yourself to feel it. Do not numb it. Do not run away from it. Do not distract yourself. Do not lash out and hurt others. Face it head on or the pain will be prolonged.

Giving ourselves permission to feel the disconnection, the anxiety, the rage, the hysteria, the fear, and the misery is necessary to process the tender feeling of just being alive. Accept the pain and process the feelings.

Do not focus on WHY? Why did this happen to me? It just is. So, the next question is “What are you going to do about it?”

• GRATITUDE

Having gratitude is a special power to change your mindset. I wake up every morning and count my blessings. It does not matter how small the blessing is, there is always someone who is worse off than me. Live in the now. In fact, sometimes I wake up in the morning and say to myself, “Halleluiah! I am still alive!”

• BREATHE

Sometimes to battle stress take a big breath of air through your nose and slowly breathe it out through your mouth. I have believed in breathing through meditation for many years. It has helped me get through many things in my life. Even my Godson Ryan McBurney believes in the power of breath work. He has a facebook group called “Breath, mind, and body for high performers.”

• THE BLAME GAME

Pain lasts longer when you blame others. STOP! Don’t get stuck in the blame game cycle and the victim mentality. Move on or you will not find joy.

• PERSISTENCE

Do not surrender to grief and fear. Be persistent. Fake it until you make it. It ain’t over until the fat lady sings. And this fat lady ain’t singing yet!

• THIS TOO SHALL PASS

“This too shall pass” are words I have spoken in my head for many years. When life sucks, remember that this is temporary. Ask yourself: What can I learn from this experience? How can I respond better next time?

AND IN CONCLUSION

Life is complicated. Life is not always good. Sometimes it sucks. I have intentionally decided to choose joy in spite of it. It is a healthier and happier way to live my life.

Love & Gratitude,

Dr. La Verne