A SELF-INDULGING MOMENT

Most of the time my blog updates are very clinical. I become the “pigmy nerd mama” that my son used to tease me about when he was in junior high school. This is because that is how I am best able to cope with the diagnosis of leukemia. My friend Nancy understands this well. I take the scientific approach and report the facts, and that has a way of removing me personally from the reality of the stupid cancer. I become the university researcher – a role I have been quite comfortable with for many years, since I left my life as a creative and art director.

The truth is that several women I personally know who have cancer have died way before their time. And moments when this happens cause me to pause and doubt my mortality… But only for a moment, because I only give myself a moment for the luxury to be self-indulgent, and have my self-pity party. And then I must move on, because life moves on.

One beautiful woman with the sweetest disposition died because she forgot to value her life more than the value of her job. She spent hours working overtime to be loyal to her company, and did not seek out cancer specialists who could have saved her, until it was too late. Her family was and probably still is very angry about this.

Another beautiful woman tried every treatment possible, until her body could take no more. She made the brave decision to stop the chemo treatments and die gracefully. I remember giving her a foot massage when she was in the hospital and we laughed about how hospital rooms should be made into spas where sick people could be pampered and powdered. I still think it is a great idea.

And then there was my beautiful friend, who was dismayed because the steroids she had to take made her gain weight and gave her a chipmunk face. “Like to shop?” I asked her. We spent the afternoon trying on all the stretchy and layered clothing that hide imperfections, and smelling different oils from India. It was a girls’ day out and we had a blast. She died the first day of my cancer treatment when I was at National Institutes of Health back East. I couldn’t figure out why she didn’t return my emails and voicemails. In all the chaos, the women in my cancer support group (including me) were not notified until a month after she died.

My friends and my family have been instrumental in supporting my journey. One of the most delightful comments I got was from my friend Laura who told me that she forgets that I have cancer, because I don’t look or act like I do. She asked me if that was a bad thing. I said “absolutely not.” Because you see for that moment in time when we talk and laugh, I am the La Verne she has always known. I am not “La Verne, who has cancer.”

But there are moments when I need the personal confirmation from friends and family that they understand the severity of the invisible face of cancer. I truly value those people in my life who share their time with me, for time is the most valuable gift anyone can give me.

P.S.: I hope this message was not too much of a downer. Sometimes when I write, it gets it all out on the table, and I can move on. The glass of red wine (which I cannot have with this clinical trial) would have really helped. I did buy a bottle of red Zinfandel to send to Dr. Keating; however. He can enjoy it for me…

P.S.S.: This is an anonymous quote about time I would like to share with you. It is a little corny, but hey, what’s new?

Have you been to the bank?

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with 86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening it deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!
Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose.
It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.
Each day it opens a new account for you.
Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours.
There is no going back.
There is no drawing against the “tomorrow”.
You must live in the present on today’s deposits.
Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success!
The clock is running.
Make the most of today.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a pre-mature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time.
And remember that time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is mystery
Today is a gift
That’s why it’s called the present!!