RANDOM THOUGHTS

Well, it is getting close to my next visit to the National Institutes of Health on the East Coast – more tests, more drugs, and then an informative visit with Dr. Chaya Venkat, the most wonderful patient advocate for leukemia. I will be meeting with her and several others in her living room in Colombia, Maryland. This blog posting is about my random thoughts as I am getting ready for the trip.

CRAP IN MY LIFE

Cancer has a way of making me stop and reflect upon my life journey. I realize that I have gratitude for all my blessings – and I have many. I have also come to terms with the fact that I am oddly respectful of all the negative and painful events in my life that have taught me my life lessons. It wasn’t pretty, but it made me who I am today.

When something that I perceive as negative or painful happens in my life, I ask myself:

“What did that teach me? What am I supposed to learn from this in my life journey? How can I make this event transform me into a better human being? Who do I NOT want to be like?”

Do you remember the children’s song “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me”? Oddly enough, it is usually the words (or lack of them) that are more painful in our adult life. As we get older, it is not the details of the event that we remember, it is how the person made us feel that lingers in our heart and often still causes pain after all these years.

As I reflect back on my life, there are people I hope will forgive me for my real or perceived bad behavior. There are others that I need to forgive – especially for their angry and cruel words directed at my family or me.

WORDS OF MY MOTHER

My mother was one of the most positive people I have ever known. She did, however, hate hospitals and hated to be alone. So one of the nights I spent with her shortly before she died, we were up all night giggling and laughing about the stories of all the guys she dated before she met my Dad. The oncology nurse barged in the room and sternly pronounced, “If I hear any more noise from you two, I will kick you out of the hospital!” My mother, answered back, “You promise?!?” The nurse then realized what she had just said to a terminally-ill cancer patient.

Sorry folks. Having a positive attitude does not cure cancer, but it certainly makes life a lot more bearable for the patient and his or her family and friends. I am not a Pollyanna, but I certainly know that a negative attitude can make you sicker, and it can make life miserable for everyone who loves you. It is such a waste of limited energy. I have learned to avoid toxic people like the plague, and my life has improved substantially.

I have been thinking lately why I am one of the few people that I know who is not on “happy pills.” One of the reasons I believe is because I have such a demented sense of humor and I can find humor even in the most dire situations. I learned that from my Mom. It is definitely a survival tool and a gift she gave me. I thank her every day for teaching me that.

WORDS OF MY FATHER

When I was a child, I was one of those who learned by observing others. My Dad said that was the Japanese part of me. It saved me a lot of pain.

In my life I witnessed the wrenching pain caused by people being cruel to each other, and I learned the importance of mercy and kindness.

In my life I witnessed people stressed out with anxiety, and I learned that I would rather choose inner peace and meditation.

In my life I witnessed the emotional damage angry people have on others and themselves, and I have learned about the importance of gentleness and self-control.

It is interesting that these are also the words of my father. I thank him everyday for teaching me kindness, inner peace, and gentleness. These were teachings from a man who fought in two wars, was wounded, and had his best Army buddy blown up next to him in the foxhole.

THE ULTIMATE REALITY

You do understand that none of us are leaving this world alive? Whether I am blessed with many more years or I die sooner than I like, that is just how it is. As I have said many times before, I am in a win-win situation. I win if I stay alive for years to enjoy my friends, children, and soon-to-be 11 grandchildren. I know where I am going if I die, so I win when that happens. So I don’t care to waste my time wallowing in the quagmire. I like to get on with my life and be grateful for every second.

I am still a work in progress. There is much to be said about a little imperfection. Some times I need to remind myself that I have many blessings in my life. Some times I need to remind myself that there are people in this world much worse off than me.